I wasn't sure I needed to blog about what happened at the end of June.  It still feels slightly cold and insensitive to do so, but I supposed I kind of need to.

Saturday June 28th I got home at 130am after a long day from Syracuse all the way to Boston.

At 8 my Mom woke me to tell me that my dog Maggie was doing pretty bad, and that she and my Dad were taking her to be put down at 930.

I lay in bed tired and deeply sad for half an hour, then got a blanket and spent the next half hour on the lawn with Maggie.  My parents left at 9.

At 1030 I hear my Mom yelling after my Dad not to forget the phone.  The rush and intensity of her voice set off a pang of disaster, but I shook it off.  Nothing could be wrong aside from the Dover Market probably having a mini-crisis.

At 11 I hear my Mom walk down the hall and open Dan's door to whisper something.  The tone of her voice, quiet and low to hide the waver sent me out of bed like a rocket.

I'm standing in Dan's doorway and my Mom looks at me and says "Grandma had a heart attack.  Dad just went to find Grandpa."  The fact that I knew she was dead before she finally said it didn't make a difference.  Shock didn't hit me, it enveloped me silently.  We were supposed to be spending the day with my Grandma and Grandpa.  To hear about how their week went with their friends in Massachusetts, and to look at pictures from Norway since we hadn't done it the weekend before.  There were tears, but no comprehension.  It's still very hard to believe.  The loss of Maggie was crushed with the loss of Grandma, and there was no deciding which things to think about, and there was no doing anything, because there was nothing that could be done. 

Dad came back with Grandpa around 1.  I still can't think about seeing him then without crying.  The description of it will come out later.  Probably buried in a piece of fiction.  They were supposed to fly home Tuesday.  Grandma's funeral was now on Thursday.

It didn't help that we couldn't find Matt.  I finally went out on my bike to look for him around 430.  Mom found him walking home at 530.  She told him quickly, probably in her hurt angry voice, and then drove off home.  He didn't actually find his way home until 630.   I'm not sure we ate.  We had made up Dan's room for Grandpa but he didn't want to stay that night. 

He came back Sunday morning.  His cellphone and Grandma's rang constantly.  He was having trouble finding a Rabbi, we were all having trouble.

Aunt Sue and Hallie came on Monday.  Uncle John Aunt Lisa and Sarah came on Tuesday night.  The days were slow, and intensely quiet since it was boiling outside and we had the windows shut and the air on.  We took Hallie to the movies to see Wall -E, and to Sudbury to go swimming at my Mimi's even though she'd just had surgery.  They found a Rabbi, they prepared us for Thursday, they asked if we wanted to see Grandma.

Thursday passed much like the moment when Grandpa arrived at our house Saturday afternoon.  It was hot, real, terrifying, and couldn't possibly have happened.  It will come later.  Eric had come in on a red eye from LA and arrived at 8.  I drove him back to Logan at 2.

Friday was the 4th of July.  I did my best.  Aunt Sue and Hallie left early.  Saturday John Lisa and Sarah left early.  Grandpa left at 10.

One week.  Eternity in the slow passing of grief embalmed shock.

I'm tired now.  The next post will be about the next and now and good.

Ok.  So I'm making no progress on my life. But I might be getting better at the not panicking??

I was given some advice telling me not to worry about throwing myself into work. That this free time should be appreciated.  I can do that.  And still look for a job. I hope.

There's a rock climbing place in franklin I want to check out.  I'm going to try to find deaf chat or do some volunteering at the nearby deaf-blind school. I WILL clean and organize at least half of my things by the end of the week.  Battle Royale concert this Saturday!!! Oh Martha joy. =) And writing.  People may be getting random edited versions of some stories. Sorry.

Court visits soon! And we've got a tentative date for a foxhole reunion!

I'm trying very hard not go crazy here.

Maggie dog is dying. It's Sad.

I miss college.

I miss sleep.

I miss you.

insomnia is back

can't guess why ... just kidding

i would love for people that i miss to be online

back to uploading music and looking for a suitable temp job

So I graduated.  It was kind of cool.  Tuna got accosted by this mean dude in orange, Bob Woodruft said some semi interesting things, Katie Gill did her speech, and I got to eat tarte flambee at dinner. 
I don't mind school being over.  I learned some interesting stuff, had at least one amazing professor.
Now I'm back in Medway, one of my homes(Syracuse is still home even though I don't really have a home there anymore ... sad).  I'm trying not to think about too much at the same time because then I tend to have a panic attack.  Little steps ... like 1)not being sick 2) - yeah ok I lied there are no little steps because in order to get a job I need to decide WHERE I want to be for the next year, and those are two of the hardest things to think about.  It doesn't help that the first thing on my mind has nothing to do with anything else but still sends me into negative I don't want to admit that mode.

OK. Moving on since I don't want to think about that because it makes me physically ill.

Working on writings.  As of right now I know the two stories I'll probably be sending in for grad school applications.  Hopefully by December they will be perfect and as finished as can be.  I want to help get this magazine started in Syracuse, but it's hard since we're all spread out this summer. 
I miss Tuna =( I need her around to make me calm down. And I miss Court and movie time.  And I'm pathetic.  I miss being able to fast forward through commercials too. Ha.

Tomorrow will be interesting.  I managed to spend my first two days doing lots of things like hanging out with Erin and Lauren in Boston(we saw kids doing old english dancing and they had coconuts that they were banging together and it was great ... and today we saw seals = cute), but now I don't have anything to do until the Los Campasinos! concert on Wednesday so maybe I'll figure stuff out.  Get over it right?  I don't even want the reality, I want ... what is apparently impossible.

I guess I need sleep? Watching Iron chef made me want to try honey comb like the Berenstein Bears eat.

726 am

apparently i'm graduating

I turned in my last academic paper today at 3:58 pm.  I'm done.  I don't believe it yet.  Ha.  What do I do now?

People are going to ask how college was.  I don't have a small simple answer.

I don't know how to think about my life outside of the structure of formal education.

I could read.

I could write.

I want to clean up and organize my room but I'm too excited. 

I'm done!

So.  Life.  This week was ... well rounded.  I'd say half was wonderful and the other half - necessary ? gut wrenching ? heartbreaking ? soul tearing?  Take your pick.  I am not good at facing reality.  I like to exist in the world I create, and when the obvious starts to intrude upon that I fall apart.  Falling apart takes me back to freshman year, back to walls and boxed up/bubbled up me.  I'm trying.  I'm not nearly hopeless yet.  I don't want your pity, and I know you won't understand it all.  I am happy that you're here.  Or there.  Depending on who you are.  Weak half pathetic smile coming your way.  I owe a lot of thank yous to a lot of people.  I hope you know who you are - and don't be surprised if I randomly hug/kiss you the next time I see you.

This week.  I am calling it my last week.  Three final exams, the last on Tuesday morning.  One final paper due Thursday.  Lots of writing to work on.  One last Ultimate practice to go to.  And after Thursday ... ?  I should probably not makes plans until then.  Since all I'm really doing right now is avoiding my studying.  I was hoping to be good and get all my work done promptly as a final huzzah/look at me I can be a good student, but why change my ways now?  Just what I was thinking.

So I'm not going to stay inside if it's going to be this nice out.  I've extended my computer cord and am on the porch.  In the sun.  So happy.  It makes me feel better about how I'm not getting any of my work done.  Hopefully I'll get something done today before regular and new Thursday activities.  Maybe Disc Golf late tonight!!!

Dan left for France today!  I'm jealous.  I hope he has a way better time in Paris than I did when I went in High School. 

Haha ... there's a cute dog on the second floor porch of a house across the street.  And all you can see is his little gray head peering over the railing.  Adorable.  I want a puppy.  Actually I want a kitten.

We have Sectionals day 2 this Saturday.  This time its in Syracuse on University fields so we don't have to drive anywhere, and we won't have to play in a swamp.  Hopefully we'll do awesome and make it to regionals. 

Only a week and 2 days left of classes.  Wow.

So I'm wicked tired and sore and in pain ... but the weekend was good.  Spent Thursday and Friday being somewhat productive and responsible, then went to Penn State for Spring Phling tournament.  We played great, won some lost some, but greatness happened and we're going to be amazing next weekend at sectionals ... wooot two weekends in a row!  And yay for sectionals being ... somewhere close enough to sleep in my own bed - something  I can't wait to do tonight.  I made my first layout to catch a disc ... I didn't, instead I smacked my head nice and hard, but it wasn't all my fault ... the girl on me ran into me mid dive and caused me to lose control of my entire body.  So my head and neck are nice and sore and painful now. 

I need a serious massage to get rid of the knots from stress and playing out of my back.  I just realized my posture probably isn't helping that either ... straighten up ... and there.

Last weekend was the Relay For Life, lots of fun, with some intense serious moments thrown in.  Thank you so much to anyone who donated on my behalf. 

This week looks busy. Practice, paper presentation, one of my stories is being workshopped in class, I'm hopefully going to talk to Flowers about MFA application and stuff, Thursday night team movie, and all that catch up work I keep meaning to do, maybe even some time to watch a movie with Courtney.

At this point it's too late to talk about Spring Break...it was great, if you want stories, ask, maybe I'll think of some worth sharing.

I basically have 5 weeks left in Syracuse with only two free weekends.  I keep thinking about all the things I haven't done, but don't know what they are.  What was I supposed to get out of college?  Did I do enough, get enough, take enough, see enough, learn enough, be enough?  I'd like to think yes, but I'm petrified the answer is actually NO, and that I really have wasted my time.  But if that's true, I can still say, at least I remember having fun and finding friends I'm going to cry forever over loosing.

Just need to post for my Hollywood class, then I can go to bed. Maybe tomorrow something memorable will occur.

so spring break post will come later. for now i just want to say that i love my cat and wish he could come to school with me. Easter weekend was good. lots of food. lots of eggs. a small amount of talent. bonfire. and scary 4 wheelers and muddy cousins. back to school tomorrow morning. my hair smells pleasantly like smoke.

Leaving for Spring Break tomorrow!  I'm excited ... that's true.  I hope all I need is a week away in order to recompose fully.  But I'm pretty sure I'm lying to myselves and they know it .... woops. Ha. I'm making peanut butter pie ... and asparagus and mushrooms.

Destinations : 1) somewhere in Maryland to watch the Doomers play
                          2) Savannah, GA.. actually Tybee island.
                          3) Georgetown!!!!!!!!!!
                          4) Syracuse ... then I'll let you know how awesome it was =)

I opened the last of Mel's presents this morning.  As this is the end of the cheer up presents I'm not allowed to freak out about my life anymore.  I will have to figure out a new way of coping without talking, and until the 3rd at least I know I can do that.  After that ... probably back to square one.  Today also began the 'I'm saying goodbye to hopeless situations' day.  Which was part of the reason I needed to open a cheer up present.  It's not as easy or as hard as I thought it would be ... but I said several times I was willing to let it happen ... so thhbbpppt to me and my ridiculousness.

Dan left yesterday.  He'd been here since Tuesday.  We had some good fun and hopefully he's looking forward to college more now.  He went to ultimate practice on Wednesday without me, and met all the frisbee girls and learned about ultimate(we were trying to get him to play in college too).  He got really excited after seeing the architecture warehouse, and then put up very well with me dragging him around town to Soundgarden and Books End.  We ate a ton of sushi on Thursday and went to Danceworks on Friday.  We annoyed the hell out people by walking around singing, in English and French.  I'm really glad that he was here, and that most of my friends met him. =) aw yay

Tuesday, in my fiction workshop, my story was 'workshopped.'  It was a little scary at first, but really great in the end.  I needed a lot of help with getting this story back on the right track and everyone's advice and comments were really helpful.  And, it was funny to see everyone's reactions.  Plus, Professor Flowers told me my writing was good, he used the words 'exquisite' and 'skillz', and I almost jumped up and hugged him.  No one's ever actually told me I could write well, and I'm so happy.  It's looking more and more like I'm going to want to go to grad school.  In a perfect world I'd enroll in NYU's creative writing master's program, but there are lots of other really good programs too.  So, I'll probably look into taking the GREs soon.  Then I need something to do with my life for the next year and some, ideally that would help with getting into NYU, but I've been terrible at looking.  I really hope ISV hires me for the summer.

This coming week will be fun.  RaRaRiot on Tuesday, NGO career fair and Funk & Waffles on Wednesday, The Kid Fresh at our house on Thursday, Frisbee Decades party on Saturday( i think i want to go dressed in 60's, but its hard to find the clothes), and Tarte Flambee!!!! on Sunday.  I'm never going to catch up on sleep again.

I love all my friends.  You're so good to me. <3

Life is interesting.

I spent Friday night in Vermont which was tons of fun, and then Saturday sat around the ski lodge with Lisa reading and eating and sort of watching Foxes ski. The drive there and back was a little brutal but worth it. This week is going to be mostly awful for one reason or another. Looking forward to Wednesday at Funk and Waffles to cheer me up. I should be writing a paper right now, about Hollywood, but instead I'm catching up on e-mails and doing small bits of other homework.

I have half an eggplant and I don't know what to do with it.

I can't stop worrying and thinking about millimeters.

because i have class 1245 till 10 straight and im usually not prepared

because i always wake up tired thursday

...

because i go to funk and waffles with great people to listen to awesome music

and i eat a waffle

I'm going to. Why? Because I'm angry at myself for not being able to do my work in a prompt manner. But as Lisa is saying I do have the sweetest roommates ever even though I don't know how the weekend was.

Dramatic conclusion.

End scene.

Fade out.

So two weeks into the end of senior year.  I'm being a terrible student.  The sad thing about it is that I really like all of my classes.  I just can't seem to convince myself to do work (aside from writing for my fiction workshop) outside of class.  Outside of class all I want to do is be merry.  I've spent the past two weekends out with friends or in with friends or cooking excess amounts of lasagna.  I watch Jeopardy a lot too.  There is very little reading getting done though I am a good bit into God is Dead by Ron Currie Junior and Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates by Tom Robbins.  Reading for class is like pulling teeth (sorry for the terrible example).  And speaking of teeth I think my sole wisdom tooth is starting to come in, this makes me nervous.  I'm the only one in my fiction workshop class who's attempting a novel ... this makes me even more nervous.  I'm going to try to write a good short story this semester too though.  It's just going to take a lot of discipline in that I have to make sure I start it well and actually end it instead of continuing on.  Last night I wasn't tired but I put myself to bed around 230 and managed to sleep.  Woke up at 830 not tired either.  It is now midnight and I'm still not tired.  I think insomnia is starting to kick in.  Crap. 

Pictures from winter break are finally up.  Oh yeah, and my computer is back! (pumps fist into air and dances wildly around in a few circles.)

Sooo a while ago, like the first week of January, I was typing a post on my brother's laptop and it got deleted. Mostly it talked about break. Going to NYC, Arizona, Christmases, Cookie Party, Escapades, New Years ... all those shennanigans that took place. THis is all that remains of that draft (Winter break has been pretty great. Lots of working and being sickish ... but fun as well. Arizona was nice. Ate good food, hung around with family I hadn't seen in a long time. Christmas was normal ... blintzes and playing around outside. )

Right now in the computer lab at Schine(student center) supposedly working on homework. This happens to be the semester when lots of classes require things to be done online, or lots of printing and typing ... which sucks because my computer is still not with me. A couple more weeks at the latest and should be back with me, with its new shiney not slow hard drive. YAy! I can't wait. Literally. 

I was going to go to DC this weekend but we're not anymore. It was too complicated and there's a Party on Saturday that we didn't want to miss. Oh well. Sad, I'll have to run off and go there another weekend.

Semester so far is good. Busy like crazy but good. I've been to the gym 3 times! and even once at 830am (which is a wow if you know me).  Im taking 7 classes, so theres a lot of work, but I've decided to suck it up and do it all, and do it all well too. I'm applying to work for the Literacy Corps, they'd put me in a Syracuse elementary school a few times a week to help tutor kids and stuff. Hopefully I'll get to work in Terry and Joe's school!(My sign language teachers who are writing me recomendations for it) Which reminds me I have to send one home to Dad to fill out. So hopefully I'll have a job too. Im terrified about my creative writing class because I don't like sharing things I've written. I'm going to get over it. French classes are going to be fun, so I won't hate French anymore. Film class is mostly musicals from the 30s to 60's so I'm wicked excited about that. Mostly I'm really excited, and really tired, and really worried, but happy about it.

I made sweet bread the other day! It didn't come out as good as Mr. Millers but it was still good! Yay! More bread escapades to come. PLus pie for Chris Fisher. Maybe I'll do that this weekend. 

Well I'm going to go back to line edits and commentary and writing 5 more pages and other things before I get too tired of sitting here and go home to sit around and knit and watch tv.

Ciao ... much love

Panic has set in. It's official. I'm going to melt into a puddle that cannot do anything ... not that I'm getting anything done right now anyways! =( poo.  I just don't know how to go about writing the Spanish paper. And, I asked for an extention on French paper so that it won't be terrible. But, I still haven't gotten anywhere productive ... I should go to campus, but I don't like to not be home when I'm stressed like this ... I'll just get antsy and have to leave. GAH!!!! Ok. Here's my plan ... I can do this ...

By 5: I will know WHAT I want to say about Telemaco in my Spanish paper.
By 6: I will have located at least 100 words that I can use in reference to WHATEVER I'm going to say

That's all for now. If I give myself too many I'll freak out even more. Probably not going to the game ... sadly ... going would ruin me.

I'm sorry that my posts are always whiney and depressing and that I never write about good things.

Two good things: 1) I got a baked potato from my secret buddy. 2) Friday I am going to New York City.

I'm procrastinating because I have too much work to do by classes tomorrow and it's making me nervous. I got my Gag Gift for my Secrete Buddy though! YAY! I'm so excited to give it. Well this is short procrastination. Hopefully by Friday one of my English papers will be done, my sign language presentation will have gone ok. My learning journal will be turned in. And I'll at least know WHAT I'm writing my French and Spanish papers about. Can't wait for New York City! Hopefully(again) it won't snow when I have to drive there because that would add to the fact that it will be my first time driving in NYC, which will be interesting but fun. OK I'm really making myself get back to work now. Good ... things.

Thanksgiving ....
It was good. I did a ton of laundry. Saw friends. Went to Boston. Did some 5am Black Friday shopping. Thanksgiving with almost all the family. Both my pies were eaten or divvied up. Turkey and all sides were very yummy. I ate WAY too much. =)But hey that's the idea right? We watched old home videos Mimi had but on DVDs. They were so funny, I'm still laughing over it.

Only this week and next week of classes, and next week is mostly finals and papers due. The Foxhole is doing a secret santa! Courtney was really really excited ... as are we all. The next 2 and half weeks are so full of meetings, and dinners and nights out that hopefully all my work will get done and I won't have a mental episode and eat 200 cookies. Fox Force sweatshirts arrived! Yay! And, I'm trying to get all my Christmas shopping done by the time I'm home for break on the 17th of December. Vu and Ben plus one are coming to visit this weekend. Should be fun. Saturday will be greatness. I must remember to call Uncle John and Aunt Joan today or Thursday, I promised. New York trip from the 14th-16th! I'm going to drive ... lets all hope that goes well. Yikes. I hope Broadway stagehands aren't on strike anymore when we go, I kind of want to pay 100 dollars to watch a musical.

This update is good enough I think. Time for more reading and ASL glossing.

What do you want for Christmas?