I wasn't sure I needed to blog about what happened at the end of June.  It still feels slightly cold and insensitive to do so, but I supposed I kind of need to.

Saturday June 28th I got home at 130am after a long day from Syracuse all the way to Boston.

At 8 my Mom woke me to tell me that my dog Maggie was doing pretty bad, and that she and my Dad were taking her to be put down at 930.

I lay in bed tired and deeply sad for half an hour, then got a blanket and spent the next half hour on the lawn with Maggie.  My parents left at 9.

At 1030 I hear my Mom yelling after my Dad not to forget the phone.  The rush and intensity of her voice set off a pang of disaster, but I shook it off.  Nothing could be wrong aside from the Dover Market probably having a mini-crisis.

At 11 I hear my Mom walk down the hall and open Dan's door to whisper something.  The tone of her voice, quiet and low to hide the waver sent me out of bed like a rocket.

I'm standing in Dan's doorway and my Mom looks at me and says "Grandma had a heart attack.  Dad just went to find Grandpa."  The fact that I knew she was dead before she finally said it didn't make a difference.  Shock didn't hit me, it enveloped me silently.  We were supposed to be spending the day with my Grandma and Grandpa.  To hear about how their week went with their friends in Massachusetts, and to look at pictures from Norway since we hadn't done it the weekend before.  There were tears, but no comprehension.  It's still very hard to believe.  The loss of Maggie was crushed with the loss of Grandma, and there was no deciding which things to think about, and there was no doing anything, because there was nothing that could be done. 

Dad came back with Grandpa around 1.  I still can't think about seeing him then without crying.  The description of it will come out later.  Probably buried in a piece of fiction.  They were supposed to fly home Tuesday.  Grandma's funeral was now on Thursday.

It didn't help that we couldn't find Matt.  I finally went out on my bike to look for him around 430.  Mom found him walking home at 530.  She told him quickly, probably in her hurt angry voice, and then drove off home.  He didn't actually find his way home until 630.   I'm not sure we ate.  We had made up Dan's room for Grandpa but he didn't want to stay that night. 

He came back Sunday morning.  His cellphone and Grandma's rang constantly.  He was having trouble finding a Rabbi, we were all having trouble.

Aunt Sue and Hallie came on Monday.  Uncle John Aunt Lisa and Sarah came on Tuesday night.  The days were slow, and intensely quiet since it was boiling outside and we had the windows shut and the air on.  We took Hallie to the movies to see Wall -E, and to Sudbury to go swimming at my Mimi's even though she'd just had surgery.  They found a Rabbi, they prepared us for Thursday, they asked if we wanted to see Grandma.

Thursday passed much like the moment when Grandpa arrived at our house Saturday afternoon.  It was hot, real, terrifying, and couldn't possibly have happened.  It will come later.  Eric had come in on a red eye from LA and arrived at 8.  I drove him back to Logan at 2.

Friday was the 4th of July.  I did my best.  Aunt Sue and Hallie left early.  Saturday John Lisa and Sarah left early.  Grandpa left at 10.

One week.  Eternity in the slow passing of grief embalmed shock.

I'm tired now.  The next post will be about the next and now and good.

Ok.  So I'm making no progress on my life. But I might be getting better at the not panicking??

I was given some advice telling me not to worry about throwing myself into work. That this free time should be appreciated.  I can do that.  And still look for a job. I hope.

There's a rock climbing place in franklin I want to check out.  I'm going to try to find deaf chat or do some volunteering at the nearby deaf-blind school. I WILL clean and organize at least half of my things by the end of the week.  Battle Royale concert this Saturday!!! Oh Martha joy. =) And writing.  People may be getting random edited versions of some stories. Sorry.

Court visits soon! And we've got a tentative date for a foxhole reunion!

I'm trying very hard not go crazy here.

Maggie dog is dying. It's Sad.

I miss college.

I miss sleep.

I miss you.

insomnia is back

can't guess why ... just kidding

i would love for people that i miss to be online

back to uploading music and looking for a suitable temp job

So I graduated.  It was kind of cool.  Tuna got accosted by this mean dude in orange, Bob Woodruft said some semi interesting things, Katie Gill did her speech, and I got to eat tarte flambee at dinner. 
I don't mind school being over.  I learned some interesting stuff, had at least one amazing professor.
Now I'm back in Medway, one of my homes(Syracuse is still home even though I don't really have a home there anymore ... sad).  I'm trying not to think about too much at the same time because then I tend to have a panic attack.  Little steps ... like 1)not being sick 2) - yeah ok I lied there are no little steps because in order to get a job I need to decide WHERE I want to be for the next year, and those are two of the hardest things to think about.  It doesn't help that the first thing on my mind has nothing to do with anything else but still sends me into negative I don't want to admit that mode.

OK. Moving on since I don't want to think about that because it makes me physically ill.

Working on writings.  As of right now I know the two stories I'll probably be sending in for grad school applications.  Hopefully by December they will be perfect and as finished as can be.  I want to help get this magazine started in Syracuse, but it's hard since we're all spread out this summer. 
I miss Tuna =( I need her around to make me calm down. And I miss Court and movie time.  And I'm pathetic.  I miss being able to fast forward through commercials too. Ha.

Tomorrow will be interesting.  I managed to spend my first two days doing lots of things like hanging out with Erin and Lauren in Boston(we saw kids doing old english dancing and they had coconuts that they were banging together and it was great ... and today we saw seals = cute), but now I don't have anything to do until the Los Campasinos! concert on Wednesday so maybe I'll figure stuff out.  Get over it right?  I don't even want the reality, I want ... what is apparently impossible.

I guess I need sleep? Watching Iron chef made me want to try honey comb like the Berenstein Bears eat.

726 am

apparently i'm graduating

I turned in my last academic paper today at 3:58 pm.  I'm done.  I don't believe it yet.  Ha.  What do I do now?

People are going to ask how college was.  I don't have a small simple answer.

I don't know how to think about my life outside of the structure of formal education.

I could read.

I could write.

I want to clean up and organize my room but I'm too excited. 

I'm done!

So.  Life.  This week was ... well rounded.  I'd say half was wonderful and the other half - necessary ? gut wrenching ? heartbreaking ? soul tearing?  Take your pick.  I am not good at facing reality.  I like to exist in the world I create, and when the obvious starts to intrude upon that I fall apart.  Falling apart takes me back to freshman year, back to walls and boxed up/bubbled up me.  I'm trying.  I'm not nearly hopeless yet.  I don't want your pity, and I know you won't understand it all.  I am happy that you're here.  Or there.  Depending on who you are.  Weak half pathetic smile coming your way.  I owe a lot of thank yous to a lot of people.  I hope you know who you are - and don't be surprised if I randomly hug/kiss you the next time I see you.

This week.  I am calling it my last week.  Three final exams, the last on Tuesday morning.  One final paper due Thursday.  Lots of writing to work on.  One last Ultimate practice to go to.  And after Thursday ... ?  I should probably not makes plans until then.  Since all I'm really doing right now is avoiding my studying.  I was hoping to be good and get all my work done promptly as a final huzzah/look at me I can be a good student, but why change my ways now?  Just what I was thinking.

So I'm not going to stay inside if it's going to be this nice out.  I've extended my computer cord and am on the porch.  In the sun.  So happy.  It makes me feel better about how I'm not getting any of my work done.  Hopefully I'll get something done today before regular and new Thursday activities.  Maybe Disc Golf late tonight!!!

Dan left for France today!  I'm jealous.  I hope he has a way better time in Paris than I did when I went in High School. 

Haha ... there's a cute dog on the second floor porch of a house across the street.  And all you can see is his little gray head peering over the railing.  Adorable.  I want a puppy.  Actually I want a kitten.

We have Sectionals day 2 this Saturday.  This time its in Syracuse on University fields so we don't have to drive anywhere, and we won't have to play in a swamp.  Hopefully we'll do awesome and make it to regionals. 

Only a week and 2 days left of classes.  Wow.

So I'm wicked tired and sore and in pain ... but the weekend was good.  Spent Thursday and Friday being somewhat productive and responsible, then went to Penn State for Spring Phling tournament.  We played great, won some lost some, but greatness happened and we're going to be amazing next weekend at sectionals ... wooot two weekends in a row!  And yay for sectionals being ... somewhere close enough to sleep in my own bed - something  I can't wait to do tonight.  I made my first layout to catch a disc ... I didn't, instead I smacked my head nice and hard, but it wasn't all my fault ... the girl on me ran into me mid dive and caused me to lose control of my entire body.  So my head and neck are nice and sore and painful now. 

I need a serious massage to get rid of the knots from stress and playing out of my back.  I just realized my posture probably isn't helping that either ... straighten up ... and there.

Last weekend was the Relay For Life, lots of fun, with some intense serious moments thrown in.  Thank you so much to anyone who donated on my behalf. 

This week looks busy. Practice, paper presentation, one of my stories is being workshopped in class, I'm hopefully going to talk to Flowers about MFA application and stuff, Thursday night team movie, and all that catch up work I keep meaning to do, maybe even some time to watch a movie with Courtney.

At this point it's too late to talk about Spring Break...it was great, if you want stories, ask, maybe I'll think of some worth sharing.

I basically have 5 weeks left in Syracuse with only two free weekends.  I keep thinking about all the things I haven't done, but don't know what they are.  What was I supposed to get out of college?  Did I do enough, get enough, take enough, see enough, learn enough, be enough?  I'd like to think yes, but I'm petrified the answer is actually NO, and that I really have wasted my time.  But if that's true, I can still say, at least I remember having fun and finding friends I'm going to cry forever over loosing.

Just need to post for my Hollywood class, then I can go to bed. Maybe tomorrow something memorable will occur.

so spring break post will come later. for now i just want to say that i love my cat and wish he could come to school with me. Easter weekend was good. lots of food. lots of eggs. a small amount of talent. bonfire. and scary 4 wheelers and muddy cousins. back to school tomorrow morning. my hair smells pleasantly like smoke.